Except I divorced mine. I mean, the worst thing that happened to me in Vegas was that I came back 10 pounds heavier from all the buffets. There are people just, everywhere, even at 2 am. I wanted to comment on the everyone I talked to agrees with me stance hes taken. It got dark on my (2-hour!) I also had this thought. Its in Las Vegass best interests to keep visitors safe. I think whatever LV *was* once, its not anymore. He can be kind of inflexible about certain things so the fact that this is 180 degrees from where it was should give you hope. Exactly. This isnt about whether or not the thing Im about to do is dangerousit is about her desire to control what I do. In most normal partnerships where you have shared responsibilities its not so much asking permission, as its checking in to make sure spouse doesnt need you For anything at that time. I tell him that if he was in my shoes, I would be supportive. I wonder if one solution wouldnt just be to bring her husband WITH her (on her own expense and probably paying for their own room)? Thats fine! I agree with Allison I think marriage counseling may be a good think to look into. However, I have to stay in London for a couple of days next week, and he encouraged me to go he said he needs to learn to be more independent and self-reliant. From my experience with family members with these issues, I needed to learn how to help create a healing environment at home. Don't exhaust yourselves. Well there it is. Wow. I think some boundaries are needed here. Asking for baseline respect should not be a fraught conversation. There was a recent one with the same problem! Thank you for sharing this. But I loved him, and thought accepting his proposal would reassure him of my love and commitment. Find an new therapist to go alone so you can undo all the damage that marriage counseling with a controlling spouse has done. But they definitely need marriage counseling. I did a similar trip after I had my second but I did it different than everyone else. My husband is just glad he doesnt have to go with me, because more than a couple of days in Las Vegas is like being stuck inside a kaleidoscope. I love it when my husband goes camping with the guys. The things she comes up with are completely fictional, not based in any kind of reality at all. Im talking a hotel on Wall Street, just a block or two from the NYSE, and one literally around the corner from the White House. I bet youll have fun. The other possibility is that hes skewing the hell out of the question somehow to make his stance seem more reasonable, like Would you guys be okay with your spouse taking off to Vegas and drinking and partying all weekend for work? Its actually better that way now for example, its now possible to eat a meal without hearing about keno. Privacy Policy and Affiliate Disclosures. He is just jealous that he cant get off work and go with me! If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. Its just such a common conference/trade show city! Figure you stop as often as baby feeds (which is every 3 hours for us.) Maybe his friends dont work either and are supported by their wives. The kidnapping angle *might make sense if it wasnt Vegas but, say, Tijuana. Everything he is afraid of is very very unlikely to happen and no more likely to happen in Vegas than any other city. A friend of mine was sort of that guy! Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. Cuz he was awesome.). Twenty. We had dinner at night and then literally went to sleep the moment we returned from dinner. And AP, as your comment captures, and what Alisons advice does, is to put the LW in a position to find out which one it is. Also accusing someone of cheating so you have to surveil them is right out of the abuser handbook. He framed it as concern for my safety but it was really about control. Hope you will enjoy the holiday! Somehow everyone turns into a sexual predator after dark. Doesnt really matter. Like AAM said it is mostly conference rooms and exhaustion afterword. The weather sucks in Vegas. This is very aptly put Anonymous Poster. Vegas is changing a lot of its marketing these days to bill itself more as a family destination and/or more sophisticated and all that. Regardless of whether the husband is trying to control you, or whether he is merely unable to overcome devastating anxiety, the effect is the same: You need to keep your job and live your life like a normal person, either so you can support him in recovering from this anxiety (pay for counseling, health insurance, treatment) or so you can escape what may very well be an abusive situation. And as Alison so deftly explained it, the rest is all a matter of trust within the marriage. July 1, 2022 Posted by clients prepaid financial services derbyshire; 01 . The lack of trust here is pretty disturbing, as are his over-the-top fears. Immediate marriage counseling is required and if he wont go, see a counselor yourself. Whereas in reality, I just hope that this will be the time when Im on the subway at 1am and it wont be too crowded to get a seat. Yeah and Ill add that it makes the advice people are giving much less likely to be effective/heard/followed by the OP if people are attacking a man she presumably loves and finds reasonable outside of this situation. If youre from a community where a spouse needs to sign off on business travel and letting you go is a real thing, I suggest couples counseling to explore that. Nothing magical about Vegas. So much wow. This sounds less like anxiety and more like controlling/abusive behavior. (That started as a joke but I think I might actually be onto something, re: familiar vs unfamiliar crimes and the perceived danger of each.). In fact, were taking separate vacations this year not to Vegas, but we each wanted something completely different, so were going at different times to different parts of the world. Wow, that is some really scummy manipulation. Nail on head, right here. We went to the Grand Canyon, went ziplining in the mountains and had a great without ever stepping in a casino. And they happen to be adjacent to entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference. My colleagues travel all over the world, sometimes to places in great upheaval where they have to have military escorts. OPs partners behavior is affecting her directly. This is always my response to people and they always get mad at me for saying it. And the issue was never me, or our marriage or anything like that, it was entirely a him problem, his anxiety and fear due to an accident we had Christmas eve one year. Counseling perhaps. You are not required to live it with someone who makes you miserable and is not willing to work on the problem. If it was possible to take him along I could see that potentially helping if the main issue is wrong information and assumptions. It ended up taking us 16 hours, but I didn't think it was bad at all. making sure your spouse is okay with big decisions that affect both of you isnt that unreasonable. Haha! There are people whose mind translates any answer all, from Hmm okayhow bout that Topic Changers vs. Distractors game? to NONONONONO! We have now been married 5 years and this is a thing of the past. Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. Is it only the Vegas trip where he has the outsized reaction or is there some anxiety for safety around all trips? Sorry Sketch, that wasnt aimed specifically at you. Oh sure, but thats why I specified business-class rooms, as in the 3.5 or 4-star Hilton/Hyatt/W Hotel, since those are the types of hotels that have attached conference/convention facilities and host large conferences. Youve never met them, but that doesnt mean that they dont exist. I think part of this relates back to a topic thats come up here before: people who dont travel for work think its fun but the people who do travel for work spend the whole time in meetings, seminars, conferences, and never get to explore whatever city theyre in. assigning women extra work to help them, calling out when youre in the ER, and more. And who are all these people in his scientific study that are so against letting their SO go to Las Vegas for a business trip?? I know this is a long-shot, but anyone else think theres a real chance that this is the employee from this thread: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html? If youre not going during SXSW or Austin City Limits, you can get hotel rooms consistently for less than $200 in Austin. Do please note, even if he does have terrible anxiety or other mental health issues, hes also behaving in a really sexist manner, and being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk. Youve gone before and nothing happened, so why is he still freaking out about it? We all had a blast. Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. Reading it again, its a bit confusing, but I still think the husbands friends arent agreeing with him. Dont even consider that risking your job is a reasonable option here your job isnt the problem. First, it doesnt workanxiety will inevitably find things to be anxious about, ultimatelyand second, its not reasonable or feasible to ask someone to do that. Exactly. (Of course, I live in New Orleans, where we do not need to seek out extra liveliness.) That leads me to believe his concerns are less altruistic. He was so untrusting, I wondered if I had made a huge mistake in marrying him we had only been together for a little over a year before marriage. My husband would answer that question with Only if its inside. Do you want to go? Im not controlling or irrational, Im protecting my marriage!, An outsider can actually say Husband, this behaviour isnt normal or good for your relationship. Its just easier to non-committally agree with someone, especially when their view is bananas, than to get into a row with them and get involved in their marital issues. Just live in an exurb of a big city rather than a small town), they find this baffling. Refusing to go on this trip is highly unlikely to save your marriage. Personally, I think its far more likely that hes just using others or my friends agree as a generic point in his favor without actually having asked them. But, at least in that case, she was 100% aware of the power dynamics she signed up for in entering the marriage, unlike our OP. and I was gutted. He got anxious when I went to San Diego only because it was near the Mexican border, but gee whiz. I also tried talking through some of his wilder concerns. Im surprised that you specify *rural* Saudi Arabia given that Saudi Arabia is one of the least egalitarian countries in the world, with virtually no freedom of religion. At that time, she was eating about every 3-4 hours. Hopefully hes open to counseling/therapy, but if hes not, and he instead doubles down on not letting you travel (regardless of destination), I do think you need to consider an exit strategy. :), That reminds me of this Captain Awkward letter: https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, Were now in a position where he thinks Ive made a mistake with the breakup, and that I did not adequately justify my reasons for ending it.. I do NOT like it because OMG ALL THE NOISE ALL THE TIME, but I didnt ever feel unsafe. But a positive first encounter with a therapist can change that, because, you know, therapists are trained to defuse and help unpack their misconceptions. Huh. I suppose anxiety could make his control issues more prominent, but to me his behavior is just a glaring red flag. Sometimes folks with untreated anxiety hear what they want to hear. Hes a great husband who is loving & shows affection in many was. Its either anxiety or abuse, or both, or neither; and none of those things address the husbands *behaviour* or the OPs next steps. I agree that the OP should not even consider not going on the trip. I do the same. Go on your trip! This isnt about Las Vegas or about you or even about your jobits that he wants to control you, and any threat to his perception that he doesnt have complete control over you is going to end in a tantrum. If it's me, I would prefer stay home and rest till the baby gets older and low maintenance Do it!! Ill wait. I suppose OP knows her own husband best, theres a chance inviting him along would be an offer of Good Faith to show that theres really nothing all that bad about Sin City. And Id highly recommend that book to the OP, so she can try to tease out for herself whether shes just got an insecure, underemployed husband, or one whos using jealousy as a control mechanism, at least in part so that he may remain comfortably underemployed. Ill throw this out too just in case. Of course, this is all conjecture. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. < accurate. All rights reserved. Agree that you should go to counseling by yourself if he wont go. Travel tip: if you go into a bar whose name would make Hooters say whoa, too obvious and use your corporate AmEx to cut lines of coke, you are probably going to run into some trouble. I might include a warning when I announce the event though thats like, even though this event is in Las Vegas, XCorp still expects its employees to hold themselves to our high standard of professionalism or whatever. There are plenty of restaurants and even the pickiest co-workers can settle on a dinner location. I just want to come back to the point about where the first fear of his that you list off, OP, is that youre going to cheat on him. Perhaps its a typo, at first glance I thought it said wouldnt as its an awkward construction otherwise. Though those are also the traditional bogeymen for women out on their own, as evidenced by the many people talking about their mothers fears. A week? Hes gotten better over time, but he still guilt-trips me before I leave and makes sad noises about how he misses me so much and we never spend enough time together. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". I went to Vegas for work once. Slot machines are boring, table games make me anxious, I dont like to lose money when I could shop with it instead. I love her, and I know she warns me about this because she loves me and she wants me to be safe, but Im just really glad to see Im not the only one right now!! And wondered aloud how he would have been if wed been together in the days I was traveling to Kosovo, Bosnia and Iraq as a newspaper reporter. Its not like people are forced at gunpoint to have sex with a rando when they deplane at McCarran. Street photography! Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. ), so Ive seen it a lot. Think of it this way if you give in on this to avoid conflict, what will be next? The big issue is that hes being controlling and jealous in a really misogynist way, so Im not actually all that concerned with or sympathetic about notional anxiety issues at this point. Umm, so Im not sure how to say this in away that wont come off snarky, so let me apologize in advance for not be able to think of a good way to word this: This was not a questions for AAM. I live in a small country area where most woman are not in my position & usually give in to husbands demands whether or not it is ethical.Counsling is usually never seeked out. I currently live in a part of London that Ive heard described as a no-go area for those reasons. She has thus far missed out on several family gatherings and her best friends wedding, because her husband could not get off time to go. That can do a number to your head if you already had basic anxiety about the travel. Ill be safer and better nourished (I am a run of the mill vegetarian, but somehow that was hard to deal with, too. Just like someone might look for a spouse who is athletic or smart or has a certain sense of humor or earning power, it might be important that FutureSpouse has the skills to share a household with the in-laws. (I mean, ideally, theyd shut him down, but hopefully, at the very least, they dont actually agree and are just stuck talking to him about this against their will? My own brain is like that. Theres some merit to this and the What happens in Vegas thing. I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired. Group Owners uphold the core values of the brand by reporting content that violates the community guidelines. Anxiety is a beast, and the sooner he gets a support system and coping strategies in place for this kind of out-of-control thinking the better. Oh yeah, the concern for your safety. I didnt go on work trips while married to mine, but I remember going on a girls night out (bachelorette party, with a limo to take us places) and him being livid that I didnt call him during the evening to check in. Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. Untreated anxiety is a meat grinder to relationships. This seems to be a common pattern, though of course not a certainty. Spouses dont LET. I think its time to tell him something like: I need you to respect my ability to make my own decisions. I have family in Henderson and go there every February to escape the snow. Ive looked at the posts from the OP (Working Wife), and in the first place, she hadnt posted when I posted this. And Hunter Thompson and Oscar Acosta are dead anyway. Frankly, there are very few cities that can handle massive conferences and Vegas may be the only option for the OPs company. He was worried about me, because I was over worked and only had about 4 hours of sleep per night. Not like us isnt automatically the same thing as toxic.. Here is the problem with appeasing people like OPs husband, whether they are being abusive or just needlessly anxious: they come to expect appeasement. Nikada / iStock. Id also check out books such as When Panic Attacks and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living Life. Ive done that before too, and it was invaluable in setting healthy boundaries in a sane, functional manner. Hed probably drive her nuts the entire trip monitoring when she comes and goes, trying to veto business dinners with her colleagues, calling her if shes a minute later than she said shed beAnd if youre working the conference, its exhausting and theres not really a lot of time to explore. Ive known controlling people that became that way because it was a learned coping method for a disordered brain pattern not that it is a good coping method, mind you, but it is one. Almost every hotel on the strip has some sort of tourist attractions be it rides, shows, or other types of attractions and you can spend the entire day walking from hotel to hotel to see what they offer and have a great (and relatively cheap!) But honestly? Japan is absurdly safe, even if that is no comfort to people when something bad does happen. same. Anger can feel like a reward I always feel more assertive and more in control when Im angry than when Im anxious (and theres a lot of overlap between anger and anxiety anyway, thanks to physical arousal and adrenaline). If youre the breadwinner, you obviously have to go on the trip. Security at casinos is greater than that at Fort Knox. OP this is the kind of thing Id bring up in therapy what you will do and what you will NOT do. Unless theyre all really churchy (and the OP didnt say), if any of my previous partners said that, Id give it massive side-eye.
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